In a Dave Barry moment, an alert reader sent me quite a story: Wild turkeys are rampaging in Florida.
The wild turkey descends from tyrannosaurus rex, so this story should not surprise you: “Angry wild turkeys terrorized a senior community this spring, charging octogenarians using walkers, chasing golf carts, and cornering residents in their garages, according to resident accounts.”
The story turns dark. Two bloodthirsty turk-a-lurks put a resident in their crossfeathers and galloped after the hapless soul.
Now this is no joke. The old fellow began vamoosing and fell and broke his hip.
“The turkey’s razor-sharp talons caused significant blood loss that, with the hip, injury left the man in the hospital for 3 months, said a homeowners association spokesman.
“Having a turkey run up to you when you’re getting out of your car is frightening.”
Brings to mind homeless men who rush up to your car in parking lots. That’s when you turn the key and get out of Dodge. 
The story says menacing turkeys patrolling front yards kept people inside.
“Honey, go get the mail.”
“You got to be kidding me. You go get the mail.”
“Forgetabout it,” says the old fellow. Then they crack a window and shout, “Hey, turkeys, get outta here. Leave us alone already.”
Thank God for government. Florida Fish and Wild Game Commission officers educated the spokesman on trapping or killing the feathered bullies making residents cower in their homes. 
Wasn’t much they could do, and so the simple act of walking out to the car turned into a track meet. 
Residents run like Forrest Gump as marauding turkeys approach. In a scene worthy of “Caddyshack,” the wild birds chased and attacked people in golf carts. 
But all is not gloom and doom. A nearby Chihuahua is the only thing the turkeys fear. When he runs after them, turkeys scram. 
I am pretty sure local pet shops sold out of Chihuahuas the next day, but only if the dogs could be bought online and delivered.
Florida Wild Game officials advised the residents to haze the feathered felons, asking if any former fraternity members live in the community. A few hands went up. 
Officials told them to chase the turkeys, waving their arms and clapping their hands like in a TV evangelist meeting. 
Officials advised spraying the birds with a hose. 
The best tactic, however, scares me: Opening a large umbrella while facing the turkeys. I’ve tried to open an umbrella in a driving rainstorm. My umbrella turns inside out, and I run for it!
“The thing about our residents trying to haze them with an umbrella or garden hose,” said the spokesman, “is they can’t just run around the corner to get their hose when they’re using canes and walkers, so it’s more difficult for us.” 
“We are talking about a life or death situation,” said one resident. “My kids raised turkeys for 4-H projects. They can be vicious.” 
The kids or turkeys?
Officials suspect residents are feeding the turkeys. 
Don’t be that guy. Instead, sip some Wild Turkey, and plan a Thanksgiving assault the likes of D Day. Don’t train a 20-pound wild bird with powerful wings and sharp spurs to see you as a meal ticket.
All those poor residents need now is some good old South Georgia boy to hide in shrubs and work his turkey call when folks finally venture outside. I expect some will set track records. Heck, some may even catch the eye of Coach Mullen’s recruiting staff.
Good luck to those folks down Florida way.