Mother: Get up. It’s time to go to school.
Son: But I don’t want to go to school today.
Mother: Why not?
Son: Because everybody hates me.
Mother: No they don’t.
Son: Yes, they do.
Mother: Well, you have to go anyway.
Son: Why, Mom?
Mother: Because you are the principal.

“I can resist everything except temptation.”
– Oscar Wilde

Why wasn’t the astronaut paying attention? Because he was spaced out.

A happy thought: You know what I like to do? Answer my own questions.
If you must make a noise, make it quietly.”
Why are dogs bad dancers? Because they have two left feet.

My dog chases people on a bike. If he won’t stop I’ll have to take his bike away.

Consumer advice: Never buy a car or truck that are too heavy to push.

Mother: You’re 30, all your friends are married. You should be married.
Daughter: You’re 65, all your friends have hip replacements. You should get a hip replacement.

If you must make a noise, make it quietly.”
– Oliver Hardy

Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

I just got off the phone with a friend living in Canada. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. His wife has been looking through the window, just staring. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Deja Moo: The terrible feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

You’re never too old to learn something. Anything. Pay attention.

Did you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man’s heart beats faster, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he can hardly think staight? 
Why? Because she smells like a new truck!

Ask me about my third chromosome.

Save the Earth! It’s the only planet with chocolate!

I’ve learned so much from making mistakes, I’m thinking of making a few more.

How can there be self-help groups?

Clarence Darrow said: When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.

I don’t believe it. I  failed my urine test.

Men wake up as handsome as they were when they went to sleep.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A fool and his money are soon elected.

I  always cook with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
It’s not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.

Got a joke? Email it to 
JerryBellune@yahoo.com