Mental Health Matters: Family strife

Ideally, our families are a source of support and comfort, with family members working together to care for both the individuals and the family unit. Unfortunately, families do not always live up to this ideal. When conflict between family members wells up, the entire system is weakened.

In my many conversations with people about their family lives, I have learned that family conflict can be one of the most stressful events people go through. Even when a family has not been especially close, a serious conflict tends to leave family members feeling confused and hurt, even betrayed.

In many instances, families find a way to repair tears in the family fabric. Sometimes it is a full repair, while other times it is a few strings that keep things hanging together. One family I know has a regularly scheduled call, while others have a family text chat. These serve as mechanisms to keep communication going as the family heals.

And yet, as much as regular contact can keep things going, it is not always enough. The way we talk to each other matters, as does the way we listen. In my practice, I often support clients who are less concerned about who is right or wrong and more upset because their family members have not taken the time to try to listen and understand.

I have also worked with clients who want to listen and want to understand, but a lifetime of poor communication makes it hard for either party to sit down for an honest conversation. If you are in this situation, own up to the ways you have contributed to the dysfunction before you point fingers.

As an adult, I have experienced strife in my own extended family. It weighed heavily on me, in part because the family was falling into dysfunctional patterns I did not want my own children to learn.

While I cannot control the rest of the family, I can control what I model to my children in our own nuclear family. I apologize when I have raised my voice or been rude. I attempt to respectfully explain my differences of opinion. I encourage my kids to be honest with me about their needs and viewpoints, and I try to listen with the intention of understanding.

I have a dear friend who has also experienced high family conflict, often over arbitrary rules of conduct set by other family members. When the rules are unreasonable or keep changing, it can be hard to make others happy. If you find that no one can please you and this is causing repeated family tension, take a step back and look at what rules you inadvertently or intentionally expect others to follow.

If you are the one feeling stymied by arbitrary rules, try becoming curious about why those rules exist. Maybe they help your aunt feel safe or give your grandfather some sense of control when other things in his life feel out of control. You can find a way to talk to your family member with kindness and respect about the rules. If a conversation is not possible, you may decide to set some of your own rules, better known as healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are important in any relationship. They help us remember that there is a place where I stop and you begin.

Sometimes families are challenged by the concepts of space and privacy, either giving so much that they seem indifferent or so little that it seems they want to be attached at the hip.

Families can also forget that boundaries need to be flexible and change as children grow and move out of the family nest. It is not reasonable to expect adult children will tell you everything about their lives or attend every holiday at your house. While you may mourn the loss of a certain type of closeness, keep in mind you can replace that with a solid adult-adult relationship built on mutual respect.

Navigating family conflict will be easier if you establish a history of respectful boundaries and communication (including listening to understand). It is also important to let family members know they are important enough to you that, in the event of conflict, you want to work things out. Do not be afraid to apologize, and keep in mind what can be lost if you insist on winning a fight.

Nora Sinclair is a licensed professional counselor and a national certified counselor based in Lexington, S.C.