Mental Health Matters: Motherhood and maternal mental health

My son and his wife just gave birth to their second child in May. What an exhilarating event and a sign of ongoing life on planet Earth! At 2:11 a.m., I received a text: “Baby girl just born. Mom and baby are doing well!”

I remember having my own children and being utterly speechless over the miracle of it all. It was and still is as if we stand on holy ground when we are giving birth, witnessing birth or being born. It is the front bookend on the miracle of life.

There are also some myths around motherhood and birthing that are worth visiting:

Myth #1: Giving birth is such an exhilarating experience. This joy can carry us through the roughest of times in the first year of a baby’s life.
Reality #1: Giving birth is an exhilarating event. Joy is wonderful. Joy is also a fleeting feeling unlikely to last a whole year. Giving birth is also exhausting, overwhelming and a list of seemingly never-ending mundane tasks—tasks that, in the middle of your fourth week of sleepless nights with a crying baby, make the most emotionally grounded parent wonder, “What have I gotten myself into?”

Myth #2: Adding a new baby to the family automatically kick-starts the “parental instinct.” Bonding and breastfeeding will just automatically kick in like second nature.
Reality #2: Adding a new baby to the family means that every other part of that family has to move even just a little bit to adjust for all the changes. It is like one of those baby mobiles that hang above the crib. You pick up one of the arms and all the other arms have to readjust. Family business does not always just go on as usual and it shouldn’t. While a birth is indeed a holy moment, it is filled with uncertainty and new learnings, which can at times be frightening.

Myth #3: Becoming a new parent is “such a blessing!”
Reality #3: Don’t get me wrong. The birthing of a child is indeed a blessing. It is also hard work and can come with some mental health challenges that may surprise new parents.

Maternal depression and anxiety are common mental health conditions for new moms. Whether it is your first or third birthing, it can sneak up on you without much warning. Eighty percent of new moms confront what we call the “baby blues,” or a form of depression resulting from the rapid changes in hormones that moms can experience post-birth. The color of the grass or the presence of clouds in the sky can make you weep. This form of depression can last from a few days to a few weeks, and with support and monitoring, can pass without much more intervention.

However, 20 percent of new moms struggle with perinatal health conditions like depression and anxiety. Again, in part due to changes in hormones (and almost any other marker of pre-birth life), these kinds of mental health challenges can hang on for a longer period and significantly impact the quality of life for mom, baby and the rest of the family. Symptoms can include prolonged feelings of hopelessness, loss of interest in normally enjoyed activities, thoughts of self-harm and suicide. Feeling angry, withdrawing from loved ones and feeling like you are not a good enough parent are common symptoms of postpartum depression, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

An important truth is that the most common complications of childbirth include anxiety and depression. These are not, however, the most talked-about experiences of childbirth. They can impact any birthing parent, no matter how strong a person they are or how intact their parenting abilities.

The very good news is this: Postpartum mental health can be treated and perinatal persons can resume a normal, healthy life. While it can seem like it will last forever, the earlier one gets help, the sooner hope returns. What are some common and safe treatments for these conditions, since they do not always just resolve or fade away on their own? Some places to start:

Contrary to past understandings, there are medications for depression and anxiety that the postpartum parent can safely take while caring for a new baby, even for those who want to breastfeed. Talk with your physician about safe medications for you or your loved one if this is a course of action you want to learn more about.

Find a safe person to talk to. While talking does not solve everything, it surely does lighten the load. This may be with a wise woman in your church or a trusted medical provider. It may include talking with a therapist or counselor. Find people who will listen without judgment, help you sort through options for treatment and walk through this journey with you. Parenthood was never meant to be a one- or two-person endeavor. It takes a village.

Finally, if you know of someone struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, you can provide support and care. This can look like doing a couple of loads of laundry for the new parents a few times a week. The traditional casserole can be helpful, but it may also look like providing takeout pizza for the family one night a week. If you are not sure what to do, it is perfectly acceptable to reach out and simply ask, “What do you need done today that I can help with?” Be a part of that village new parents need.

Recently, my new grandchild has been experiencing that “bewitching hour” that parents of new babies know all too well. Somewhere between six and nine weeks, baby is inconsolable between the hours of 5 and 7 p.m. Nothing is necessarily “wrong,” but it surely can become exhausting in those later hours of the day when my son and his wife are trying to put dinner on the table or wrangle their 2-and-a-half-year-old son into a bath while he is pretending to be Superman. And by the way, he is “NOT TIRED!”

I asked what I could do to help. My son responded with, “Mom, maybe you can come hold her for a while during that time of the day so that we can get a few things done.” Bam. Done. Honored to be there. This is love in action.

Have questions you’d like to ask Shirley? Message her at oasistherapyservices@gmail.com.