Mental Health Matters: Relationships

The winter months are upon us! Over the holidays, I had the opportunity to spend time with friends visiting from out of town. It had been over a year since we had any time to meet face-to-face. We have known each other for over 25 years, but have lived in different areas of the country for well over 15 years. Having the chance to relax, break bread, share news, joys and concerns felt like a soothing balm over my soul.

These friends have been witnesses to my children as infants, and now to having children of their own, a milestone not many friendships can claim. We know things about each other that can only come from surviving the fires of personal and professional heartaches and accomplishments. I came away from our visit feeling like my heart had been filled, my mind recharged and my soul was calmed. In short, my mental health felt balanced and right. Especially with the cold of winter biting at my back, the warmth of our visit stayed with me a long time.

I got to thinking about how important friendships and relationships are to our overall health, and particularly our mental health. In fact, relationships are essential connections to almost every aspect of our human existence. Supportive relationships have been found to impact our cardiac functioning, our immune systems and our ability to withstand illness and trauma. They are key to our longevity and the quality of our lives while we are living. At the same time, relationships can also drain and wear us down. What makes a relationship one or the other?

Relational intimacy is one of those critical elements of a healthy life. What perhaps comes first to mind is physical intimacy. And for numerous reasons, physical intimacy is essential across the entire continuum of life, from birth to death. Babies without physical touch fail to thrive. Even if provided nourishment, physical affection and contact are essential for growth and flourishing.

We also need emotional intimacy where we can share our feelings, be vulnerable and learn what it is like to trust others. Emotional intimacy done well creates a deep sense of trust and security. Intellectual intimacy is important for our intellectual development. It helps us share ideas, consider things from different perspectives and respect different points of view. Experiential intimacy is when we share bonding through shared activities, hobbies or life goals.

What are the benefits of a healthy relationship? Solid relationships provide us with support, reduce stress and contribute to better physical and mental health. This happens through the bonds of intimacy by producing neurotransmitters such as dopamine, which help our cortisol and stress responses calm down. Overall, healthy relationships improve our overall well-being.

Healthy relationships also provide us with companionship. We all need a feeling of belonging to a tribe, being known by others and having support during difficult times. I’ve always believed we each need our “gang.” When humans can’t find one naturally, we tend to form them and for good reason. We need them for survival and growth. Strong relationships also encourage us to learn and care about ourselves. It is where we learn about and experience empathy. Empathy is the capacity to understand and connect to the experiences of others in a caring and nurturing manner.

You may have noticed that healthy relationships change over time. They are not static, but rather, they take on a life of their own. As we learn more about one another, we feel free to share more, become more vulnerable and trust the other with more of ourselves. Relationships tend to have a predictable and healthy trajectory. Initially, there tends to be more intensity. We tend to think about the other longer and more often. We look forward to the next time we get to spend time together. Romantic relationships have more passion in the early stages.

Over time, healthy relationships shift. The fires tend to transition from intensity and surprise to a steady lower temperature. This relationship setting tends to have a much longer life span than the initial intensity. This is also a time where the relationship transitions to one of a deeper emotional connection with steady bonds and companionship. There are fewer surprises to be found, but there is also comfort in the known and familiar.

You may be wondering what exactly the relationship between mental health and relationships is. Like much of what I talk about in this column, the relationship goes both ways. How does mental health affect relationships? There are several ways.

When mental health is wounded, communication can become difficult. Conditions such as depression and anxiety can make it very difficult to express our own needs. When we cannot adequately communicate our own needs, there can easily arise relational misunderstandings. We might withdraw from the other or become irritable. Especially with long-standing mental health conditions, when these issues go on for perhaps years, the relationship may never have a chance to develop in a healthy manner. Even with short-term episodes of mental illness, the patterns noted above can unbalance the relationship between episodes.

These struggles can cause distance to develop in the relationship. Partners may start to avoid one another even though they have the desire for a closer relationship. When avoidance becomes a regular part of the pattern, it is very difficult to continue to do the relational maintenance required to clear up misunderstandings or miscommunications. This, in turn, can lead to an increase in conflict. Emotional instability leads to more anxiety, which in turn can result in more frequent arguments.

Social withdrawal can become a part of the pattern. One may not have the energy to keep up with friendships and family commitments. This also means that those supportive people in our lives are also cut off from being a support. Secondary stress also becomes a factor. The partner of the person with the mental health condition can also start to experience their own increase in depression and anxiety.

If you find yourself with a loved one who struggles with an ongoing mental health condition, it is important to find support for yourself. These illnesses can start to distort what used to be a healthy relationship, and finding other sources of support is essential to maintaining your own mental well-being. These conditions create tension, uncertainty, stress and often significant changes in the lives of family and friends. Different people are going to react in different ways. Research shows that for those living with a loved one with mental illness, the risk of developing depression and anxiety also increases simply due to the stress that mental illness creates for the entire system.

How do relationships enhance mental health and well-being? Relationships provide support and resilience. They act as what I think of as “insulation” or a buffer against stress of almost all kinds, and they strengthen our mental well-being. Conversely, poor relationships tend to do the opposite.

There are also physical health benefits to healthy relationships. When we have healthy interactions with others, we experience a boost in a chemical called oxytocin, which lowers our stress levels and improves our immune systems. This is why severe bouts of stress and distress are sometimes followed by illness of one kind or another, especially if we have been isolated through the stressful experience. Strong human relationships act like an insurance policy in protecting our physical health.

Healthy relationships also create a sense of safety and security. When we can trust others, experience secure attachments and loving connections, our need for exhausting vigilance decreases. Others have our backs. We are in a web of safety and community. 

We who work with families and communities, especially with children, have a mantra: every child needs at least one person who believes that child is the greatest thing since sliced bread. The same happens to be true for all of us once we become adults. Our need for healthy relationships continues throughout our lives!

Bring a neighbor a plate of cookies. Check in on an elderly person in your community. Open a door for the person behind you at the grocery store. Any efforts at strengthening the web of human connection are never wasted energy. In fact, they increase our mental health capacity and well-being. Stay warm and safe this week!

Have questions you’d like to ask Shirley? Message her at oasistherapyservices@gmail.com.